Tuesday Night at the Married's

Surprise Surprise! The husband initiated a little Tuesday night sex session! We started out on the couch with some touchy-feely, which escalated into naked groping and we decided to head into the bedroom for more comfort. We quickly fell into the usual routine, but it was nice and I came pretty fast with his fingers doing the walking. Then we went to the main event where he seemed to have a big ol' orgasm. Yea! It was over pretty quick, but I was totally okay with that as I was a little tired. It was great and I felt good about it.

Except, I guess I felt like maybe his performance was a little dramatic at the end there and he usually needs to be in sort of a certain position (that he wasn't in) to come, unless he is really excited, which he did seem to be. I felt juicy, but when I did go to clean up, I didn't notice any of his juice inside me, which made me wonder if he was faking it all. I asked him, "did you feel good, babe?" and he said, "yeah, you couldn't tell?" and I left it at that. For a change.

I have got the impression a couple of times that he fakes orgasms. People say men can't but I am here to tell you that they can. However, one time we actually had an argument because he insisted that he came and I insisted that there wasn't any evidence inside of me. He got up and looked at the tissue he used to clean up with and said, "you know, I felt great, but you're right, there wasn't anything there." I know that sometimes men can come without actually ejaculating. Well, I've read of such things, so it's possible that this is happening here, but I have a nagging suspicion that he's faking 'em. Tuesday, he was extremely hard though and it didn't really make sense to me that he wouldn't "go for the gold" unless he was totally beat, which he didn't seem to be. So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know what I'm saying. Does he fake it? Is he having orgasms without ejaculating? Does any of it matter?

I think the best thing was that instead of getting all upset and insistent about asking if he really came or whatever, I just said okay and we cuddled and went to sleep. I can use my newfound wisdom to realize that the old ways don't work and I want every sexual experience to be totally positive, no matter what. And, what am I complaining about anyway? I got mine and he seemed to enjoy himself and we were both content and happy.

Last night I was getting my hair done and reading a Cosmopolitan magazine where guys were talking about sex and stuff. One guy said, "don't ask a bunch of questions about if I felt good or enjoyed it and stuff. Look, I'm a guy, I just had sex, I enjoyed it. I don't want to have these blow by blows about what we just did, let's enjoy it."

Oh yeah.

Husbands, Turkeys, and Jet Skis... oh my!

So, I was a little grumpy and all about the whole thing (okay, and I'd had a little to drink that night), but you know, it blows over by the next day. The turkey was good, we've been eating on it ever since and we had a nice time out at the bay, jet skiing, too. I did not jet ski due to the cold, but instead spent the time lounging around on the shore reading, wrapped in a blanket (not even a wet one... well, except when it sprinkled). I waved when my husband would ride by and I'd go out on the dock and see him when he wanted to take a break and we had a good time. I loved having a day to just relax for a change! He had a great time and like I told him, it makes it all worth it if he has that good of a time. I can't wait until we have two jet skis so we can ride together. That's the only down side to jet skiing, we either have to go alone or ride together and we'd really love to be able to ride around on our own skis racing and all that with each other.

The thing about my husband and I, is that we really do have a good time together. We have so much in common, we finish each other's sentences, we think alike and crack the same jokes. Everything about our life is really great most of the time. If we just had a little more sex, it would be awesome. It's been since the 15th since we last had sex and I'm starting to get a little antsy, but not too much yet. I'm actually feeling pretty content. We'll either have sex tonight or it won't be until Friday night or the weekend some time, but I think I'll be okay with that as long as it isn't any longer than that. We'll see how it goes. But, aside from all of that, my husband rocks. He loves me.

The Thing Is...

It isn't just about sex. I'm starting to think it's the whole men vs. women thing. What I mean by that is that we think different. I guess that isn't fair. I read the blogs by men who feel that their women don't get them, but in my experience it's the opposite.

My husband is one of the kindest people I know. He does not have a mean bone in his body. I realized this Thursday after having a dream about my EX husband. After the dream, it occurred to me that when it comes to disagreements, etc, my husband never "goes in for the kill". Meaning, he doesn't have the whole hateful comeback ability. I do. Is it innate or learned? I don't know, but it's there. If I'm pised and we're having an arguement, I have the nasty comeback meant to hurt, but my husband has NEVER reciprocated. This has made me think.

However, at the same time, he doesn't "get me". Tonight is an example. Every year we get a turkey from his job at Christmas. Last year, I ended up tossing it so I was determined to make it this year. This is the weekend. BUT, of course, as usual, our plans for the weekend changed and I decided to go ahead and make it tonight, beginning this afternoon. Which means I have to stay up late. Normally, we are 9:30ers when it comes to hitting the sack. So, I explain that I am going to have to stay up until about 11 to get this darn turkey done.

Does he say, "No prob, I'll stay up with you"? No, of course not. After, I've got his clothes clean, and I'm cooking his turkey (okay, our turkey), he goes to bed and I have to stay up all alone to finish the frigging turkey. See, my issue here is that this is something I'm doing for both of us and in part because he was a little irritated last year when I tossed the turkey, yet he can't find it in him to stay up with me while we wait for the cooking ot be done. We're talking 11pm... yeah, a whole hour and a half, two hours, max. It's the principle. After I'm irritated, he stays up a little later, but at that point, it's too late. He's staying up for the wrong reason and besides, 10:15 and he's done with his "duty" and goes to bed anyway. I'm just irritated and bummed. He loves me, but he doesn't have any qualms with blowing me off as long as it makes him happy. And, why did our plans change? Oh, that would be because of the weather not cooperating so we're going jet skiing tomorrw... oh wait, let me rephrase. He's going jet skiing tomorrow and I'm going to watch him jet ski, because it will be about 60 degrees and I have no desire to jump in freezing water in cold weather and go 60 miles per hour.

So which of us is the bitch? Maybe it's me. I don't know. I know I'm feeling bummed though and man, I wish I still smoked because I have been thinking about smoking a cigarette for the last 4 hours. And, I quit 3 years ago.

Of course it could all be PMS, right? ALthough, mine seems to be POST MS, not PRE MS... I'm going to work on an attitude adjustment as I watch When Harry Met Sally and look for soemthing to eat for dinner. Good night.

Skipping Today in Many Ways

I have spent the day working on a REALLY big project at home while my husband is away on business, so I skipped work, I'll be skipping time with the husband, and my hands and body hurt so much that I'm going to skip posting anything interesting. I'm feeling happy and content, though. It's a good feeling.

The Period

Beware if your squeamish about blood! hahahaha

Okay, here's what seems to be a touchy subject. There are some men who'll have sex no matter what, even when a woman is on her period. Other's, like my husband, will NOT. They are the "ewww guys". Honestly, I'm a little peevish on this, myself. It is not my favorite time to have sex because, well, it's messy. But, I'm not grossed out by it, either.

With my High School boyfriend, he was all eager to try anything, including getting what he called his "red wings" by having sex with me on my period. I was like, "ok". No big deal. Later, when I was with my ex-husband, he didn't care one way or the other about having sex while I was OTR, but I really wasn't into it - the mess factor and all. After my divorce, my next boyfriend was totally grossed out and freaked out by the idea of it and that was when I first found that my hormones made me REALLY horny during that time of the month. It was a NO NO, though. Years later, as a single woman, I had a sex partner who was not my "boyfriend", just the friend with benefits thing and I once started while we were having sex and he totally had no problem with it at all while I was totally embarassed by it. Now, I'm with my husband who does not want to have sex during that time and who thinks it is gross, but once when we miscalculated a bit, he didn't freak out.

I give this history because it shows how different people feel about it. Here people who loved me won't go there, but a guy who just was into the sex had no problem with it. I wonder what makes someone yea or ixnay the period sex. I wonder at my own fluctuations of being okay with it and not being okay with it. And, why the hell do my hormones during that time of the month make me so damned horny!?!

AND, here's a burning question that I have. How can a guy be grossed out by having sex with a woman on her period, yet have no problem having anal sex?

Have a nice day.

I've Only Got A Moment...

The Husband is out doing manly Home Depot-y things. I didn't have a chance to give any details to my post yesterday and I don't have time now, either, but the thing that maked it hot is simply that I was all over him and making him feel incredible and getting him fully hard and ready for sex. (The riding him like a bull was pretty cool, too. Who knew the computer chair could be so resilient!?!) I mulled this over afterwards and I think that our sex life would be better if I did this more often. The problem is that when I do this and I don't get the same type of treatment in return, I start getting pissed and I stop doing these things. Another Catch-22. I'm pissed that he doesn't do it to me so I don't do it and by not doing it I don't get sex very often, which also pisses me off.

We recently had a conversation in which I told him, "You know how much you enjoy it when I'm all over you, sucking you, then kissing you, then rubbing myself on you and just moving around doing all of these hot things?"

He says, "yeah"

I say, "Well, I like the same things. Lots of times when I'm doing these things I'm hoping you'll pick up on it and do them back to me. So, to make it easier on you, I'm just letting you know now... if you like what you're getting, I'm expecting at least a little of it back."

He says, "okay"

Nothing yet. But, since that time we only had sex twice. HOWEVER, both of our last two sexy nights were HOT! AND, they were orgasm inducing. I am seeing this as a positive thing and I'm adjusting my attitude, too. While he does need to make efforts for me, I gotta do what I gotta do to get our sex life back up to a place where we are happy and comfortable - then I'll hit him with the next step... GIMME GIMME GIMME... hahahaha

Ka-Ching!

So, I'm driving home and the closer I get, the hornier I get. Seriously. I talk to my husband on the telephone along the way and mention that I'm horny as hell. I'm also in a good mood, but nervous that when I get home he won't be into it and so I'm thinking of all the ways I can react if that happens.

But, no. I come home and lay into him right away - tongue down the throat and all. I get his clothes off and continue using my mouth to get him way hot and ready. It was hot, it was good... I had my way with him in several positions and several locations in the living room. It was good. Did I say that already?

I feel content.

I really meant for this to be short!

I'm going to take a moment to reply to some of the questions and comments I've received. I'll try to be succinct and offer the Readers Digest versions whenever possible!

I covered the concerns of Anonymous about my not talking to my husband about the things here (I do), but on the question of masturbation, here is the "short" answer which I will expand on in a later post because it needs at least a post to discuss my husbands enjoyment of the activity. We both masturbate and it is NOT a taboo subject with us like others are. My husband used to masturbate EVERY night before we hooked up... we'd actually do it together via WEBCAM (if you can believe it) sometimes. I thought this was actually a healthy start as I am reminded of my first husband (many many moons ago) who tried to make me believe he didn't masturbate, even after I CAUGHT him. Once we began living together his masturbation has become less, but at least once a week I'm not home in the evenings and he uses that time to masturbate. It isn't a secret, although he is a little less open about it because for a while I was convinced that was causing our problems. I'm singing a different tune these days and I do NOT think that is the "cause" of our problem or even a symptom, but again my thoughts on his masturbation would take a whole post. Now we have to rebuild that area of our relationship, because I made it into an uncomfortable topic. My masturbation is different. I have a vibrator and, honestly, I love using a vibrator - works like a charm EVERY TIME. However, after using a vibrator, I'm a little numb in the nether region and thus it makes orgasming during sex pretty tough. Because of this, I try to only use my vibrator AFTER we have had sex (since I know it will be a while before the next time). Recently, after a discussion, though, my husband asked me to not use it for a while to see if it would improve when we do have sex. The thing is, that by "improve", he means I get off really fast with him like the "old days". I'm totally doing this and I'm totally okay with it (I don't really use the vibrator all that much anyway), but this is only a temporary solution because once I get this frequency problem solved then we have the next hurdle which is teaching him how to have long and lasting sex. PS I bought a book for this that looks really good - Great Sex. I'm going to read the whole thing before I ask him to read any of it, but I have mentioned it's exsistence in our home - you know, just to get him prepared. Anyway, that's the masturbation story in a little bitty nutshell, which now looks almost as long as a novel. Sorry.

Anonymous also asked how we handle the every day stuff. Really good is the answer. Most of the time, we are pretty good at compromising on things and those things that I don't want to compromise on I act like an ass and stomp my feet until I get my way or we stop talking about it. Okay, I admit it. I'm a little spoiled and, well, like to get my way. I can occasionally be difficult, so any problems in this area are usually my fault. I admit it, even to him. But, in general we talk about things and make decisions jointly and relatively easily. We recently purchased a printer and we talked about why we wanted it and what we wanted it to do and what we wanted to spend and what options were available and then he suggested one and I said, "let's do it". Smooth and easy and that is the norm.

Anonymous also said I need to figure out if we can ever find the "spark". I guess that is the question, isn't it? Obviously the spark just ain't there or else the problem wouldn't be there. I don't know if that spark will ever be there, but I think that even if I don't have the full on passion that I want we can still have a fulfilling life as long as we can have a good, if less passionate, sex life. This is what I'm doing here. This is my goal - finding the spark or the whatever you want to call it to make our sex life one that will fulfill both of us and we'll both be happy with. I realize that I likely am never going to have the up against the wall screaming wild sex that I fantasize about, but I'm okay with that if we find the happy medium. I think.

Omar, we live in Southern California and apparently there is some sort of rule that says people must only fall in love with a partner of the opposite libido. Sorry! Mysterious guys? I think you have that backwards. Men like mysterious women... although, I think that is just an excuse to not have to get to know them. Women? We want to know EVERYTHING... I mean EVERYTHING. Really. No, I don't have any desire for mystery, thanks very much! I think Digger hit on this. Women want to know and be known. Hm.

Tina. Thanks for all of your support and advice! Do I wish he would initiate sex more. Oh yeah. One problem is that due to being "rejected" so many times I started shying away from initiating sex which probably keeps us from having sex even MORE often. I find myself afraid to initiate or even shy when I do and not able to be my previously sexy self when I do make the effort. These things surely have slowed things down. If he initiated a little more often it might bring my confidence levels back up. This conversation really makes me think about what I just wrote, though. You know they say if you're sad to smile and sometimes it helps brighten your mood jsut to pretend. Maybe I should pretend to be the old me and start doing a little more initiating rather than sitting around sad that he isn't. Thanks for the prod!

Kay and Tajalude, you guys are awesome. Encouragement seems to be making a difference. You know, it's been 9 nights since the last time, but I'm feeling less stress. I think in part it's from this blog. I feel like I have an avenue to let out the frustrations rather than hold them in to keep the peace. I'm on day two of the kinder, gentler Married Girl. I've been happy and fun and pleasant. I have not brought up sex or problems and even reacted to a household problem that normally would have pissed me off (okay, I am bummed, but what would be the point of stressing over something that can't be fixed) by saying, "Babe, don't you always say not to sweat the small stuff? Well, in the grand scheme of things this is pretty small, so lets not freak out and move on." I have a plan, folks. There's no guarantee and I dunno if I can keep it up. But, right now, I am being semi-perfect wife in the hopes that the pleasures of being around someone as sweet and fun as me will TURN THIS GUY ON DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

The Why Of It All?

Good Question. Why am I so obsessed with sex? I mean, as a single person, I went for a very long time without having sex. I got on this idea that I ought to make sure the next time I had sex it was with someone who I was going to have a relationship with or at least someone who cared about me more deeply than the guy who just wanted a buddy with benefits. It was a low sex time of my life - self imposed after some stupid mistakes. I went about a year without sex and I was ok. I didn't even masturbate all that much.

But, when my husband began pursuing me it was a tremendous rush. I pushed him away for a long time and really did try to discourage him... most of the time. But sometimes I'd give in and play the flirtation game. But no sex. I was terrified of the idea of a relationship after having my heart broken three times already. But that guy was persistent and eventually he wore me down. I'm sure part of the excitement for him was the chase. He also wasn't having any sex at the time (that I'm aware of) so when we finally did hook up we were both pretty desperate. It explains the pelvic tractor beam we had going for the first six months.

Does having sex make me feel better about myself? You bet. Does it make me feel desireable? NO DOUBT. What is more validating than someone wanting you? I know that some of my reasons are completely self indulgent. I want to feel wanted. I love feeling loved. (Do I sound like a Cheap Trick song? That's because I AM) Who doesn't? Sex with the one you loves makes you feel all those feelings you crave... okay, substitute I for you, but I don't think I'm alone in this feeling. It's an ego boost, it's powerful, it's magical. I want to feel like that and I want the one who helps create those feelings to be the guy I love and I want to make him feel that way, too.

So, why do I want to have sex so much? Because I love the way it makes me feels and I'm not just talking Orgasm City here. Is it selfish? To a point.

Is my husband still attracted to me? I don't know. I never will know because even if he isn't, which is possible - I'm no supermodel, he would NEVER tell me that. NEVER in a million years. But, the thing I do know about my husband is that while he enjoys ogling the occasional supermodel, the women that turn him on are your everyday, every size, shape, color girl/woman next door. It's weird, but it's my man and I'm grateful that he has such eclectic tastes in women because the one thing I don't really worry about is whether he thinks I look ugly. haha I've seen him get turned on by pictures of women that I thought were pretty ugly, so I think I'm okay there. Speaking of getting turned on by pictures... well, that's a story for another day. I think I've hit my daily typing alottment.

I do want to comment, though, that I am astounded by how quickly I have found a circle of interested parties through this blog. While I sympathize deeply with all of my kindred spirits, it really is a good feeling that I'm not alone in my questions and my pain. Some of the comments are tough and I have to think about them for a while before responding, but no one has been mean or judgmental... mostly brutally honest and I value that. Thank you.

The Talking Task

I said I wanted some feedback and I'm getting it! The question comes up about venting here, rather than talking to my husband. This is not the case. There is nothing that I have written on this blog that I have not said to him directly. I don't have a problem speaking up and saying what I want, need, deserve, whatever... haha Seriously, though, I do talk to him and not just when I'm ticked. Which is why when I tried to bring up the thing about my being concerned that another weekend had gone by without sex, it was totally in a calm, "I'm not upset I just want to talk" manner. Which of course, failed miserably.

My biggest problem isn't that I can't tell my husband how I feel, but the opposite. He isn't able to express how he feels and doesn't want to talk about problems. He much prefers the ostrich method of dealing with problems. I want to talk too much probably. So, what I need to figure out is how to draw him out and get him to be comfortable talking about things. I think he feels that if you talk about a problem it has to be someone's "fault". I don't feel that way, but you can tell someone it isn't about blame and they are going to still think it is, just because it is a learned response.

Honestly, I think we are making a little headway. We had a little talk (baby steps!!!) Monday night about him expressing himself. He said that he doesn't like to talk about how he feels because he doesn't feel that it will be productive to get angry about things, particularly if I'm angry. I totally agree with his rationale here. He is a TOTAL "don't sweat the small stuff" kind of guy... TOTALLY. (this is probably excellent for our relationship in many ways) However, what he isn't understanding and I tried to explain during the conversation is that I'm not just talking about him expressing his feelings during an argument. I'm talking about learning to communicate and sharing his feelings in general so I know who the hell he is.

And, which we didn't get to, I'd like to know that he feels comfortable talking to me about anything. I thought I was prety comfortable talking about anything with him, but when I got rebuked after bringing up a question that apparently upset him, that pushed my buttons. It's one of those things that when you get a negative response, it effects how you react and effects your future actions. I WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. I must feel like I can go to him about anything whether it's the subject of death, or kinky sex, or our past, or our future. I need to have an open channel of communication because that's the kind of person I am. How do I get him to begin to learn to embrace communicating and sharing? I think that is the question.

These posts are so long. I don't want to get boring! I'll address some of the other comments later. Thanks to everyone who shares their experiences and wisdom with me. It's so nice to get other's persepctives on things. I know that this situation has two of us in it and I need to look inside myself for a part of the solution as well.

Wow!

All of a sudden, I've had a few visitors here. Thanks to all of you who have lent an ear (eye) and support! That's a nice feeling!

For a little background info. My husband and I have been married for less than a year. You know, the time where you would THINK it would be hot and heavy. We married later in life, so we're not the 20-somethings that "bleep" like bunnies, anyway! But, you know they say a woman's prime is in her 30s and I'm THERE! The problems began prior to us getting married and I married him anyway. I'm terrified that the problem will only get worse, but I've come to realize that the sex part is only part of the problem. I'm starting to see more of a communication issue than a sex issue and I'm trying to turn the focus in that direction - I'm definitely improving my style of communicating.

Tina, thanks for your insight. I totally agree with what you said about getting crazy and nagging making the problem worse. I have, in fact, been told by the husband that when I get all upset it is NOT a turn on and it's hard to just forget that and get excited. It's a Catch-22. I get hurt and angry because he doesn't want to have sex and then I turn psycho, which in turn makes him not interested in having sex with me. I'm pleased to find myself getting less psycho, though. I think things through before saying them and I focus on the facts rather than my emotions, which are there, too. I am one heck of an emotional girl!

I'm going to try REALLY hard to lessen up the pressure on him and see if that helps, but damn, that is HARD! I also think maybe if once in a while (and this is hard because we're talking far and few between), I say "Oh, babe, I love you, but I'm just not in the mood" then maybe it might make some changes in our dynamics, but I'm not sure. However, I also recognize that a lot of this problem is on him. I can only go half way...heck, maybe even more than that, but he's gotta come the rest of the way or it doesn't work.

The main thing is that when I weigh the benefits and the negatives in my life, my relationship - the benefits DO outweigh the negatives. I agree... marriage without sex is a friendship, but Friendship is an integral part of a marriage, isn't it? I love my husband. I've read other blogs that I haven't included here where the woman just heads off to the internet to get her lovin', but I have no desire to have an affair. I don't just want to have sex. I want to make love to my husband. It took us many years to find each other and I want to enjoy the time we are together to the fullest. I know we can make this work, we just have to find that "happy place". ya think?

Ugh

I hate writing this post. Why? Because I don't like reliving last night and the sadness I feel. IN thinking about the situation, this is what I think happened:

(We have gotten into bed for the night)
ME (very calmly): Babe, I'm a little bummed that we didn't have sex this weekend.
HIM: (silence)
ME: We haven't had sex on a weekend in like three or four weekends!
HIM: (silence)
HIM: Why does it have to be about weekends?
ME: It's not, it's just in general that I'm not happy that we aren't having sex very often.
HIM: (silence)

I turn over, facing away from him.

HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: NO, I'm just sad that you won't talk to me when I tell you I'm upset about this.
HIM: I don't know what you want me to say. I don't understand why you're so focused on having sex on the weekends.... Why are you focusing on the past.... blah blah blah

(I won't keep going, but eventually this conversation escalates and gets blown WAY OUT OF PROPORTION into an argument, which I proudly can say that I stayed fairly calm and rational about for a change. I am definitely maturing.)

This is what could have ended the conversation right at the beginning (yeah, you get it... my fantasy husband)

ME (very calmly): Babe, I'm a little bummed that we didn't have sex this weekend.
HIM: (turns over and hugs me)I'm sorry. It was busy weekend and I really wanted to get that lawn mowed and now I'm really beat. Don't worry, we'll have sex this week. I love you.
ME: I love you, too.
(kiss kiss kiss)
ME: Good night.
HIM: Good night.

This is what I think he heard:

ME: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I HATE YOU FOR NOT HAVING SEX WITH ME WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? I TOTALLY DISCOUNT THAT WE HAD SEX ON TUESDAY BECAUSE I ONLY COUNT SEX ON WEEKENDS AND HOW DARE YOU SKIP A 4TH WEEKEND IN A ROW. YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON AND I WISH YOU WERE DEAD.

This, my friends, is the difference between women and men

Always Searching

I found this interesting article during my searches. This guy has the opposite problem of me - the one you hear about more often, his wife doesn't want to have sex. I just thought the response had some interesting points. Mainly, "A marriage without sex is what I call friendship". That's definitely something I'm going to mull over some more.

Are We Moving Forward?

As I mentioned when I quickly dashed off my post on Tuesday, we had good sex! Yea! After spedning about an hour cuddling in front of the tube, we gradually began with the roaming hands and some kissing and I realized that he was actually going to make this happen! We were in the living room and on the couch. I was totally turned on and wet, which hasn't been the norm for a while. We finally were so worked up that we had sex and for the first time in a LONG time, I actually got off during intercourse!

See, when we first got together, we only saw each other on weekends due to our jobs and proximity of our homes. When we got together we were totally hot for each other and would have sex several times during the weekend. There was rarely much in the way of foreplay and our sex sessions were over pretty quickly, with both of us coming pretty fast. At first that was cool, but in time I began to realize that this was the only kind of sex he knew and that I was obviously going to have to teach him about long, slow lovemaking.

Of course, right about this time, he started being less excited and interested in sex and we'd have sex once per weekend. I was a little bummed, but it was summertime and we were in an uncomfortable environment. I was confident that when we moved in together in a couple of months, our sex life would be outstanding. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. He just did not have the interest that I did. I loved this guy and was totally hot for him. When I saw him I'd get wet and I wanted him all the time. I would have fucked him every night if he wanted! Over time, though, after being rejected in my "affections", that desire level dropped and pretty much has continued dropping since then. Don't get me wrong. Obviously, you can tell I WANT sex. The deal is that my body just does not have the same automatic response that it once did and, frankly, I want it back.

This is why I rarely have an orgasm during actual intercourse. Luckily, my husband loves me and actually cares whether or not I orgasm; He usually gets me off with his hand prior to fucking me to his orgasm, but I don't want to always have to get off via hand. I want the full enjoyment and awesome experience of having him inside me when I cum. So, for this to happen on Tuesday was just fully awesome.

I WANT to see him and get wet. I WANT to push him down and cover him in kisses and get down and dirty with him. But, I've become so afraid of being rejected that I don't. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to bring up both the frequency and passion level of our sex life. I can't help but hope that this might be a step towards it, but then again, I also fear it's just a spike and doesn't mean change is a'comin', but rather that he felt required to make an effort. I definitely hope that the positive experience will trigger something in ME to help me start to recapture that automatic response that used to always be in me, but now has waned. Time will tell.

Hopefully, I can actually post this if Blogger ever comes back online. There is so much more to tell, but I gotta let it out in little pieces, so until next time - Cross your fingers that I get more sex this weekend!!!

Whew!

At last a little lovin'! Whooooooooooooooo And, it was good, too! I think the main thing that makes it good is the working up to the deed, ya know? I was hot, therefore it all went good. I wish I had the time and privacy to write more right now, but I do not as the husband is walking back and forth behind me and it's time for bed and I certainly don't want him getting curious!!! Yikes!

Just be happy for me. It was a GOOD night. I feel happy and now have renewed hope that we can repeat this once in a while. :::crossing fingers:::

Fantasyland

You know, part of the problem, likely, is that I read a LOT of books. NO, I do not mean the whole bodice ripper genre or anything like that, but just books in general, from your current popular fiction to teeny-bopper stuff. Some is romance, but others are mysteries and suspense and whatever. Nomatter what type of book, though, there is almost always some sort of relationship occurring between a man and a woman.

I crave that passionate excitement that I read about. When the man presses his woman up against the wall and kisses her passionately and they just want each other so bad that they are on fire. See, I know that really happens when the spark is there. This is not just fiction. Real people can respond that way and I want that. I want it now. I want it all the time or even just sometimes. He's my husband. Is it too much to ask for a little passion in our lives?

Hm.

I did a Google search for blogs and Lack of Sex Drive hoping to find others like me. Gee, no go. I really didn't find ANYTHING like that. Women OR Men. I have run across a few men unhappy with their sex lives, but no women blogs so far. So what gives, is my situation THAT rare? (Additionally, when reviewing the "recently updated Blogger Blogs", I found that weddign blogs are VERY popular. FREAKS! heh)

By the way, nope, I did NOT have sex again this weekend. I mean, true, it isn't COMPLETELY over yet, but I'll be in bed in about an hour and then, there's that... ANOTHER whole week without it. How can this be normal? How can this be right? It isn't that we haven't had a great weekend together, but why can't they also be punctuated with great sex, too?

I just don't know what more to do.

Whooo! I Got Laid!

April Fools! Duh, it's the middle of the week and all. Had you going for a second, though, didn't I? Actually, the husband and I had a really good night last night. We both got home late, but we spent two hours cuddling while we watched our Thursday night television shows. He was very attentive and it was nice. I wish the "niceness" would have carried over into bedtime... I COULD NOT SLEEP. I suffer from bouts of insomnia, sometimes having difficulty FALLING asleep and other times having difficulty STAYING asleep. Last night was a falling asleep issue and I was up until after midnight, tossing and turning. Then the alarm went of at 4:45am! UGH!

I've already told him that I want to have sex tomorrow morning since we have plans to be away for the weekend in places where sex won't really be an option, so he has ALLLLL day to work himself up for it today! haha Wish me luck that everything works out! Right now I'm focusing on HAVING sex. Once I can jump that hurdle, then I can start working on IMPROVING the quality of the sex. Does that sound like a good plan or should I try to do both at once? I wish I had all of the answers!