The Talking Task
I said I wanted some feedback and I'm getting it! The question comes up about venting here, rather than talking to my husband. This is not the case. There is nothing that I have written on this blog that I have not said to him directly. I don't have a problem speaking up and saying what I want, need, deserve, whatever... haha Seriously, though, I do talk to him and not just when I'm ticked. Which is why when I tried to bring up the thing about my being concerned that another weekend had gone by without sex, it was totally in a calm, "I'm not upset I just want to talk" manner. Which of course, failed miserably.
My biggest problem isn't that I can't tell my husband how I feel, but the opposite. He isn't able to express how he feels and doesn't want to talk about problems. He much prefers the ostrich method of dealing with problems. I want to talk too much probably. So, what I need to figure out is how to draw him out and get him to be comfortable talking about things. I think he feels that if you talk about a problem it has to be someone's "fault". I don't feel that way, but you can tell someone it isn't about blame and they are going to still think it is, just because it is a learned response.
Honestly, I think we are making a little headway. We had a little talk (baby steps!!!) Monday night about him expressing himself. He said that he doesn't like to talk about how he feels because he doesn't feel that it will be productive to get angry about things, particularly if I'm angry. I totally agree with his rationale here. He is a TOTAL "don't sweat the small stuff" kind of guy... TOTALLY. (this is probably excellent for our relationship in many ways) However, what he isn't understanding and I tried to explain during the conversation is that I'm not just talking about him expressing his feelings during an argument. I'm talking about learning to communicate and sharing his feelings in general so I know who the hell he is.
And, which we didn't get to, I'd like to know that he feels comfortable talking to me about anything. I thought I was prety comfortable talking about anything with him, but when I got rebuked after bringing up a question that apparently upset him, that pushed my buttons. It's one of those things that when you get a negative response, it effects how you react and effects your future actions. I WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. I must feel like I can go to him about anything whether it's the subject of death, or kinky sex, or our past, or our future. I need to have an open channel of communication because that's the kind of person I am. How do I get him to begin to learn to embrace communicating and sharing? I think that is the question.
These posts are so long. I don't want to get boring! I'll address some of the other comments later. Thanks to everyone who shares their experiences and wisdom with me. It's so nice to get other's persepctives on things. I know that this situation has two of us in it and I need to look inside myself for a part of the solution as well.
My biggest problem isn't that I can't tell my husband how I feel, but the opposite. He isn't able to express how he feels and doesn't want to talk about problems. He much prefers the ostrich method of dealing with problems. I want to talk too much probably. So, what I need to figure out is how to draw him out and get him to be comfortable talking about things. I think he feels that if you talk about a problem it has to be someone's "fault". I don't feel that way, but you can tell someone it isn't about blame and they are going to still think it is, just because it is a learned response.
Honestly, I think we are making a little headway. We had a little talk (baby steps!!!) Monday night about him expressing himself. He said that he doesn't like to talk about how he feels because he doesn't feel that it will be productive to get angry about things, particularly if I'm angry. I totally agree with his rationale here. He is a TOTAL "don't sweat the small stuff" kind of guy... TOTALLY. (this is probably excellent for our relationship in many ways) However, what he isn't understanding and I tried to explain during the conversation is that I'm not just talking about him expressing his feelings during an argument. I'm talking about learning to communicate and sharing his feelings in general so I know who the hell he is.
And, which we didn't get to, I'd like to know that he feels comfortable talking to me about anything. I thought I was prety comfortable talking about anything with him, but when I got rebuked after bringing up a question that apparently upset him, that pushed my buttons. It's one of those things that when you get a negative response, it effects how you react and effects your future actions. I WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. I must feel like I can go to him about anything whether it's the subject of death, or kinky sex, or our past, or our future. I need to have an open channel of communication because that's the kind of person I am. How do I get him to begin to learn to embrace communicating and sharing? I think that is the question.
These posts are so long. I don't want to get boring! I'll address some of the other comments later. Thanks to everyone who shares their experiences and wisdom with me. It's so nice to get other's persepctives on things. I know that this situation has two of us in it and I need to look inside myself for a part of the solution as well.
posted by Married Girl at 2:22 PM
4 Comments:
Just don't let the situation get out of control. Don't let the both of you get too comfortable expressing yourselves cuz then its just a little too weird. I thought most girls like touch mysterious guys?
All of us have a deep desire to know and to be known. If I had to guess, it's probably not so much that he isn't telling you what's on his mind (he might not have anything!) but that he's not asking you what's on yours. It's depressing and infuriating, all at the same time.
And then again, his silence might be a comunication of another sort.
Keep working on it. I think your diligence will pay off!
Congratulations; you made the cut!
D.
We're more or less singin and dancin the same tango here. Don't stop being who you are! Make him discover you!
C-Marie
Just discovered you today... I empathize with your plight!! It's a continuous struggle in my relationship with my husband as well. I don't have any good advice that you haven't already been offered... just encouragement and support! Keep it up. : )
Post a Comment
<< Home