Can We Talk?
I might as well just jump right in. There are so many things that have happened in the past that I guess I need to start with the here and now and then I can go back to old things as it’s appropriate. This week’s big dilemma? I just discovered (I know, how can you be married and not know this about your partner… I dunno the answer) that my husband is not able to talk about some things. Or, I guess, it’s more that he’s uncomfortable talking about some things and clams up and gets all goofy and it pisses me off.
Case in point: all I did was ask if he'd ever had anal sex. I’m curious, I wanted to know about it and I do not have any experience in this area. He said he did and then I said that it surprised me because he doesn’t like to have sex while I’m on my period and I told him that it surprised me that he was okay with one, but not the other. He then just said it was different and pretty much ended the conversation. It was clear that he was not comfortable talking about that stuff and that freaks me out. This is my HUSBAND. This is the man that I will be spending the rest of my life with – my best friend, my lover, my heart. And, this is the guy who is uncomfortable talking about sex with me. I’m uncomfortable with that. I became very angry and I suppose the fact that I was drunk did not help this at all, but I pretty much told him that I didn’t want to be married to him anymore if this was how our relationship was going to be.
I started packing my things and he argued with me and I actually became really calm. I told him, “look, this is me – I’m not yelling, I’m not cussing, I’m just talking to you and what I’m saying is that I’m unhappy with our relationship. It isn’t working for me and you aren’t willing to do the things that need to be done to make it work. I don’t see another way. I love you, but I have needs and you aren’t meeting those needs. I know I’m needy. I’m sorry, but this is how it is and if you can’t be there for me and fulfill my needs, I don’t want to be married to you.”
Obviously, since I was drunk, I wasn’t going to be leaving that night. He put my stuff back and made me lay down with him, but then I knew he was just going to fall asleep, since that’s what he does if he lies on the bed, so I got up. He asked me not to, but I said I wasn’t ready to sleep and that I couldn’t just lay there staring into the dark and crying. He asked me to come to bed when I was ready and I said I would. Then I got up and did something I’ve NEVER done before. I called my dad and spend an hour on the telephone with him telling him what has been going on in my life. It felt really good to talk to someone, especially someone who loves me and he reassured me a lot and made me feel better. I’m not all better. I still feel hurt and we have to work on this stuff, but I want to try to work on it. I love my husband. I know the potential is there, we just have to find it – I just have to make him understand the importance of this. He wants to pretend everything is fine and I will never be able to do that. I’m at an impasse at the moment. I’m feeling sad still, but I’m in a holding pattern because we have to function in the real world and I can’t let this stuff keep me from getting up and going to work and living life. I just need to think of a way to sit down and talk and fix things one step at a time.
Case in point: all I did was ask if he'd ever had anal sex. I’m curious, I wanted to know about it and I do not have any experience in this area. He said he did and then I said that it surprised me because he doesn’t like to have sex while I’m on my period and I told him that it surprised me that he was okay with one, but not the other. He then just said it was different and pretty much ended the conversation. It was clear that he was not comfortable talking about that stuff and that freaks me out. This is my HUSBAND. This is the man that I will be spending the rest of my life with – my best friend, my lover, my heart. And, this is the guy who is uncomfortable talking about sex with me. I’m uncomfortable with that. I became very angry and I suppose the fact that I was drunk did not help this at all, but I pretty much told him that I didn’t want to be married to him anymore if this was how our relationship was going to be.
I started packing my things and he argued with me and I actually became really calm. I told him, “look, this is me – I’m not yelling, I’m not cussing, I’m just talking to you and what I’m saying is that I’m unhappy with our relationship. It isn’t working for me and you aren’t willing to do the things that need to be done to make it work. I don’t see another way. I love you, but I have needs and you aren’t meeting those needs. I know I’m needy. I’m sorry, but this is how it is and if you can’t be there for me and fulfill my needs, I don’t want to be married to you.”
Obviously, since I was drunk, I wasn’t going to be leaving that night. He put my stuff back and made me lay down with him, but then I knew he was just going to fall asleep, since that’s what he does if he lies on the bed, so I got up. He asked me not to, but I said I wasn’t ready to sleep and that I couldn’t just lay there staring into the dark and crying. He asked me to come to bed when I was ready and I said I would. Then I got up and did something I’ve NEVER done before. I called my dad and spend an hour on the telephone with him telling him what has been going on in my life. It felt really good to talk to someone, especially someone who loves me and he reassured me a lot and made me feel better. I’m not all better. I still feel hurt and we have to work on this stuff, but I want to try to work on it. I love my husband. I know the potential is there, we just have to find it – I just have to make him understand the importance of this. He wants to pretend everything is fine and I will never be able to do that. I’m at an impasse at the moment. I’m feeling sad still, but I’m in a holding pattern because we have to function in the real world and I can’t let this stuff keep me from getting up and going to work and living life. I just need to think of a way to sit down and talk and fix things one step at a time.
posted by Married Girl at 11:18 AM
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