Wow!
All of a sudden, I've had a few visitors here. Thanks to all of you who have lent an ear (eye) and support! That's a nice feeling!
For a little background info. My husband and I have been married for less than a year. You know, the time where you would THINK it would be hot and heavy. We married later in life, so we're not the 20-somethings that "bleep" like bunnies, anyway! But, you know they say a woman's prime is in her 30s and I'm THERE! The problems began prior to us getting married and I married him anyway. I'm terrified that the problem will only get worse, but I've come to realize that the sex part is only part of the problem. I'm starting to see more of a communication issue than a sex issue and I'm trying to turn the focus in that direction - I'm definitely improving my style of communicating.
Tina, thanks for your insight. I totally agree with what you said about getting crazy and nagging making the problem worse. I have, in fact, been told by the husband that when I get all upset it is NOT a turn on and it's hard to just forget that and get excited. It's a Catch-22. I get hurt and angry because he doesn't want to have sex and then I turn psycho, which in turn makes him not interested in having sex with me. I'm pleased to find myself getting less psycho, though. I think things through before saying them and I focus on the facts rather than my emotions, which are there, too. I am one heck of an emotional girl!
I'm going to try REALLY hard to lessen up the pressure on him and see if that helps, but damn, that is HARD! I also think maybe if once in a while (and this is hard because we're talking far and few between), I say "Oh, babe, I love you, but I'm just not in the mood" then maybe it might make some changes in our dynamics, but I'm not sure. However, I also recognize that a lot of this problem is on him. I can only go half way...heck, maybe even more than that, but he's gotta come the rest of the way or it doesn't work.
The main thing is that when I weigh the benefits and the negatives in my life, my relationship - the benefits DO outweigh the negatives. I agree... marriage without sex is a friendship, but Friendship is an integral part of a marriage, isn't it? I love my husband. I've read other blogs that I haven't included here where the woman just heads off to the internet to get her lovin', but I have no desire to have an affair. I don't just want to have sex. I want to make love to my husband. It took us many years to find each other and I want to enjoy the time we are together to the fullest. I know we can make this work, we just have to find that "happy place". ya think?
For a little background info. My husband and I have been married for less than a year. You know, the time where you would THINK it would be hot and heavy. We married later in life, so we're not the 20-somethings that "bleep" like bunnies, anyway! But, you know they say a woman's prime is in her 30s and I'm THERE! The problems began prior to us getting married and I married him anyway. I'm terrified that the problem will only get worse, but I've come to realize that the sex part is only part of the problem. I'm starting to see more of a communication issue than a sex issue and I'm trying to turn the focus in that direction - I'm definitely improving my style of communicating.
Tina, thanks for your insight. I totally agree with what you said about getting crazy and nagging making the problem worse. I have, in fact, been told by the husband that when I get all upset it is NOT a turn on and it's hard to just forget that and get excited. It's a Catch-22. I get hurt and angry because he doesn't want to have sex and then I turn psycho, which in turn makes him not interested in having sex with me. I'm pleased to find myself getting less psycho, though. I think things through before saying them and I focus on the facts rather than my emotions, which are there, too. I am one heck of an emotional girl!
I'm going to try REALLY hard to lessen up the pressure on him and see if that helps, but damn, that is HARD! I also think maybe if once in a while (and this is hard because we're talking far and few between), I say "Oh, babe, I love you, but I'm just not in the mood" then maybe it might make some changes in our dynamics, but I'm not sure. However, I also recognize that a lot of this problem is on him. I can only go half way...heck, maybe even more than that, but he's gotta come the rest of the way or it doesn't work.
The main thing is that when I weigh the benefits and the negatives in my life, my relationship - the benefits DO outweigh the negatives. I agree... marriage without sex is a friendship, but Friendship is an integral part of a marriage, isn't it? I love my husband. I've read other blogs that I haven't included here where the woman just heads off to the internet to get her lovin', but I have no desire to have an affair. I don't just want to have sex. I want to make love to my husband. It took us many years to find each other and I want to enjoy the time we are together to the fullest. I know we can make this work, we just have to find that "happy place". ya think?
posted by Married Girl at 3:53 PM
6 Comments:
You guys need to find a moment in time where you can let go and be COMPLETELY honest with eachother. I too have a very similar story. This was quite some time ago. We went a year and a half without sex, a completely pathetic co-dependancy. We weren't completely honest with eachother until the day we finally ended it (a 6 year relationship). I was not compelled to initiate sex and neither was she. This went on for almost 2 years. You need to figure out RIGHT NOW if you can find the spark again because you will both become more and more miserable, and I'm sorry to put it like that but it's true. And when I mean completely honest I mean asking questions like "Are you attracted to me or something/someone else?" "HOw often are you pleasuring yourself?" (I know hard question) Because these things are affecting your marriage. You need to get into his head and figure out what he REALLY is thinking/wishing and what goals he is setting, because if they don't include both of you it's going to be you who are left in the cold. I'm not messing with you.
...and another thing. You can't feel guilty about all of this because sex is definitely NOT something you can live without. And this blog although theraputic to you is still a chance for you to not talk straight with your husband. You are very capable (hence your first post). Finally, many people would be jealous of your relationship with you parents. Cherish that always.
anon is right. Some of the things you say here should be shared with your husband. The guys deserve to know how we feel. You are very positive toward him in your posts. It is obvious you love him very much. Just for you... find out why you are so focused on sex. Do you value yourself more when you are having sex? Do you wish he would initiate sex more often? Do you gauge your happiness or the success of your relationship by how much sex you are having? I answer yes to all those questions (for myself) and am actively searching for the reason why. I know... good luck with that!
Thanks for advertising for me and my blog omarcuellar.blogspot.com. I enjoyed all of your posts. I have pretty much the same problem except that I'm a dude and that my wife actually reads my blog and I don't give a fuck! I tell her that I don't like the situation and we're working on it. Keep them coming cuz they are very interesting.
You wrote:
also think maybe if once in a while (and this is hard because we're talking far and few between), I say "Oh, babe, I love you, but I'm just not in the mood" then maybe it might make some changes in our dynamics
You COULD try this, but in my experience it does not do any good. My wife rarely initiates any sort of sexual contact and my advances generally get a cool reception, so turning her down on one of the two times a year she indicates some desire just leaves both of us frustrated. I don't know what the answer is, but this probably ain't it.
tina, married woman here, 38 years old in a similar situation. If MGirl is anything like me and believe me from what I have read, she is...it's not about sex for the sake of sex or to make you feel valuable or to meausre the success of the relationship, it's an actual, gnawing physical need that is (in my case) an almost constant throbbing in my loins. I think I need my own blog. Heh.
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