The Thing Is

Hm. My first plan here is to have a place to VENT. But, by making this blog ONLY about venting my issues, it really makes it sound like my life sucks. My life does NOT suck. My husband does NOT suck. He's, frankly, just not that into sex and I am.

I would like to have sex at LEAST twice a week and not only on the weekend! I'd like my sex life to be varied and interesting. I want to feel wanted and I want to be spontaneous and try new things. I also knew when Imarried my husband that he did not feel the same. So, am I wrong to complain?

It might be better if when we talked about it and what we will do to "work on it", we actually did those things and by "WE", I mean "HE". I'll do ANYTHING. I want to make him happy, but I want him to want to make me happy, too. I know sex isn't everything and most everything else is awesome. This sex thing is kicking my ass, though.

Suggestions? Are there any men out there who are like my husband and willing to TALK about it? Anonymously? Because I sure can't get my husband to talk about it.

Can We Talk?

I might as well just jump right in. There are so many things that have happened in the past that I guess I need to start with the here and now and then I can go back to old things as it’s appropriate. This week’s big dilemma? I just discovered (I know, how can you be married and not know this about your partner… I dunno the answer) that my husband is not able to talk about some things. Or, I guess, it’s more that he’s uncomfortable talking about some things and clams up and gets all goofy and it pisses me off.

Case in point: all I did was ask if he'd ever had anal sex. I’m curious, I wanted to know about it and I do not have any experience in this area. He said he did and then I said that it surprised me because he doesn’t like to have sex while I’m on my period and I told him that it surprised me that he was okay with one, but not the other. He then just said it was different and pretty much ended the conversation. It was clear that he was not comfortable talking about that stuff and that freaks me out. This is my HUSBAND. This is the man that I will be spending the rest of my life with – my best friend, my lover, my heart. And, this is the guy who is uncomfortable talking about sex with me. I’m uncomfortable with that. I became very angry and I suppose the fact that I was drunk did not help this at all, but I pretty much told him that I didn’t want to be married to him anymore if this was how our relationship was going to be.

I started packing my things and he argued with me and I actually became really calm. I told him, “look, this is me – I’m not yelling, I’m not cussing, I’m just talking to you and what I’m saying is that I’m unhappy with our relationship. It isn’t working for me and you aren’t willing to do the things that need to be done to make it work. I don’t see another way. I love you, but I have needs and you aren’t meeting those needs. I know I’m needy. I’m sorry, but this is how it is and if you can’t be there for me and fulfill my needs, I don’t want to be married to you.”

Obviously, since I was drunk, I wasn’t going to be leaving that night. He put my stuff back and made me lay down with him, but then I knew he was just going to fall asleep, since that’s what he does if he lies on the bed, so I got up. He asked me not to, but I said I wasn’t ready to sleep and that I couldn’t just lay there staring into the dark and crying. He asked me to come to bed when I was ready and I said I would. Then I got up and did something I’ve NEVER done before. I called my dad and spend an hour on the telephone with him telling him what has been going on in my life. It felt really good to talk to someone, especially someone who loves me and he reassured me a lot and made me feel better. I’m not all better. I still feel hurt and we have to work on this stuff, but I want to try to work on it. I love my husband. I know the potential is there, we just have to find it – I just have to make him understand the importance of this. He wants to pretend everything is fine and I will never be able to do that. I’m at an impasse at the moment. I’m feeling sad still, but I’m in a holding pattern because we have to function in the real world and I can’t let this stuff keep me from getting up and going to work and living life. I just need to think of a way to sit down and talk and fix things one step at a time.

The First Post

Simply stated, there is a single reason for the creation of this blog. I need a safe and secret place to vent and to talk about the things in my life that I really don't want to tell the people who KNOW me. You see, I'm married and I am unsatisfied with both the frequency and the level of gratification that I receive from the sexual encounters that my husband and I share. I often feel alone and like I don't have anyone to talk to about the problems in our marriage, so I'm going to use this blog as a place to "let it all hang out". I'm also hoping that maybe, some other woman out there shares my problems and we could commiserate. Interestingly, the day that I created this blog, we ended up in a humdinger of a fight. I use the term fight loosely, though, because they aren't really fights, but more me expressing my unhappiness. I love my husband very much, I really do. But, we came together later in life and so we both are set in our ways to a point. Even though I love him and we have so many things in common, I am needy in some areas and he isn't meeting my needs. I need to figure out how to fix things and get him to open up to me and talk about this stuff.

Please don't comment that I should just get a divorce (or cheat! Cheating is NOT an option in my life), trust me - I've thought about it, but I don't know if that is the answer. How do you leave this loving person with whom I share so much with because of a few areas that aren't working? Where am I then? I have the same problems because now I'm not in a relationship, so I've lost the joyful parts of love along with the sad parts. There has got to be a way to make things work for both of us and maybe writing about it will help and maybe it won't. Either way, I decided to do this thing. I'm not going to write about work or what I had for breakfast on this blog. I'm going to write about a relationship that needs work. I'm going to write about my love and my frustration and my anger and my hurt. I'd like to report both sides of our story, but unfortunately it's tough to understand his side of things because he won't talk. I'm working on it.