I really meant for this to be short!
I'm going to take a moment to reply to some of the questions and comments I've received. I'll try to be succinct and offer the Readers Digest versions whenever possible!
I covered the concerns of Anonymous about my not talking to my husband about the things here (I do), but on the question of masturbation, here is the "short" answer which I will expand on in a later post because it needs at least a post to discuss my husbands enjoyment of the activity. We both masturbate and it is NOT a taboo subject with us like others are. My husband used to masturbate EVERY night before we hooked up... we'd actually do it together via WEBCAM (if you can believe it) sometimes. I thought this was actually a healthy start as I am reminded of my first husband (many many moons ago) who tried to make me believe he didn't masturbate, even after I CAUGHT him. Once we began living together his masturbation has become less, but at least once a week I'm not home in the evenings and he uses that time to masturbate. It isn't a secret, although he is a little less open about it because for a while I was convinced that was causing our problems. I'm singing a different tune these days and I do NOT think that is the "cause" of our problem or even a symptom, but again my thoughts on his masturbation would take a whole post. Now we have to rebuild that area of our relationship, because I made it into an uncomfortable topic. My masturbation is different. I have a vibrator and, honestly, I love using a vibrator - works like a charm EVERY TIME. However, after using a vibrator, I'm a little numb in the nether region and thus it makes orgasming during sex pretty tough. Because of this, I try to only use my vibrator AFTER we have had sex (since I know it will be a while before the next time). Recently, after a discussion, though, my husband asked me to not use it for a while to see if it would improve when we do have sex. The thing is, that by "improve", he means I get off really fast with him like the "old days". I'm totally doing this and I'm totally okay with it (I don't really use the vibrator all that much anyway), but this is only a temporary solution because once I get this frequency problem solved then we have the next hurdle which is teaching him how to have long and lasting sex. PS I bought a book for this that looks really good - Great Sex. I'm going to read the whole thing before I ask him to read any of it, but I have mentioned it's exsistence in our home - you know, just to get him prepared. Anyway, that's the masturbation story in a little bitty nutshell, which now looks almost as long as a novel. Sorry.
Anonymous also asked how we handle the every day stuff. Really good is the answer. Most of the time, we are pretty good at compromising on things and those things that I don't want to compromise on I act like an ass and stomp my feet until I get my way or we stop talking about it. Okay, I admit it. I'm a little spoiled and, well, like to get my way. I can occasionally be difficult, so any problems in this area are usually my fault. I admit it, even to him. But, in general we talk about things and make decisions jointly and relatively easily. We recently purchased a printer and we talked about why we wanted it and what we wanted it to do and what we wanted to spend and what options were available and then he suggested one and I said, "let's do it". Smooth and easy and that is the norm.
Anonymous also said I need to figure out if we can ever find the "spark". I guess that is the question, isn't it? Obviously the spark just ain't there or else the problem wouldn't be there. I don't know if that spark will ever be there, but I think that even if I don't have the full on passion that I want we can still have a fulfilling life as long as we can have a good, if less passionate, sex life. This is what I'm doing here. This is my goal - finding the spark or the whatever you want to call it to make our sex life one that will fulfill both of us and we'll both be happy with. I realize that I likely am never going to have the up against the wall screaming wild sex that I fantasize about, but I'm okay with that if we find the happy medium. I think.
Omar, we live in Southern California and apparently there is some sort of rule that says people must only fall in love with a partner of the opposite libido. Sorry! Mysterious guys? I think you have that backwards. Men like mysterious women... although, I think that is just an excuse to not have to get to know them. Women? We want to know EVERYTHING... I mean EVERYTHING. Really. No, I don't have any desire for mystery, thanks very much! I think Digger hit on this. Women want to know and be known. Hm.
Tina. Thanks for all of your support and advice! Do I wish he would initiate sex more. Oh yeah. One problem is that due to being "rejected" so many times I started shying away from initiating sex which probably keeps us from having sex even MORE often. I find myself afraid to initiate or even shy when I do and not able to be my previously sexy self when I do make the effort. These things surely have slowed things down. If he initiated a little more often it might bring my confidence levels back up. This conversation really makes me think about what I just wrote, though. You know they say if you're sad to smile and sometimes it helps brighten your mood jsut to pretend. Maybe I should pretend to be the old me and start doing a little more initiating rather than sitting around sad that he isn't. Thanks for the prod!
Kay and Tajalude, you guys are awesome. Encouragement seems to be making a difference. You know, it's been 9 nights since the last time, but I'm feeling less stress. I think in part it's from this blog. I feel like I have an avenue to let out the frustrations rather than hold them in to keep the peace. I'm on day two of the kinder, gentler Married Girl. I've been happy and fun and pleasant. I have not brought up sex or problems and even reacted to a household problem that normally would have pissed me off (okay, I am bummed, but what would be the point of stressing over something that can't be fixed) by saying, "Babe, don't you always say not to sweat the small stuff? Well, in the grand scheme of things this is pretty small, so lets not freak out and move on." I have a plan, folks. There's no guarantee and I dunno if I can keep it up. But, right now, I am being semi-perfect wife in the hopes that the pleasures of being around someone as sweet and fun as me will TURN THIS GUY ON DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!
I covered the concerns of Anonymous about my not talking to my husband about the things here (I do), but on the question of masturbation, here is the "short" answer which I will expand on in a later post because it needs at least a post to discuss my husbands enjoyment of the activity. We both masturbate and it is NOT a taboo subject with us like others are. My husband used to masturbate EVERY night before we hooked up... we'd actually do it together via WEBCAM (if you can believe it) sometimes. I thought this was actually a healthy start as I am reminded of my first husband (many many moons ago) who tried to make me believe he didn't masturbate, even after I CAUGHT him. Once we began living together his masturbation has become less, but at least once a week I'm not home in the evenings and he uses that time to masturbate. It isn't a secret, although he is a little less open about it because for a while I was convinced that was causing our problems. I'm singing a different tune these days and I do NOT think that is the "cause" of our problem or even a symptom, but again my thoughts on his masturbation would take a whole post. Now we have to rebuild that area of our relationship, because I made it into an uncomfortable topic. My masturbation is different. I have a vibrator and, honestly, I love using a vibrator - works like a charm EVERY TIME. However, after using a vibrator, I'm a little numb in the nether region and thus it makes orgasming during sex pretty tough. Because of this, I try to only use my vibrator AFTER we have had sex (since I know it will be a while before the next time). Recently, after a discussion, though, my husband asked me to not use it for a while to see if it would improve when we do have sex. The thing is, that by "improve", he means I get off really fast with him like the "old days". I'm totally doing this and I'm totally okay with it (I don't really use the vibrator all that much anyway), but this is only a temporary solution because once I get this frequency problem solved then we have the next hurdle which is teaching him how to have long and lasting sex. PS I bought a book for this that looks really good - Great Sex. I'm going to read the whole thing before I ask him to read any of it, but I have mentioned it's exsistence in our home - you know, just to get him prepared. Anyway, that's the masturbation story in a little bitty nutshell, which now looks almost as long as a novel. Sorry.
Anonymous also asked how we handle the every day stuff. Really good is the answer. Most of the time, we are pretty good at compromising on things and those things that I don't want to compromise on I act like an ass and stomp my feet until I get my way or we stop talking about it. Okay, I admit it. I'm a little spoiled and, well, like to get my way. I can occasionally be difficult, so any problems in this area are usually my fault. I admit it, even to him. But, in general we talk about things and make decisions jointly and relatively easily. We recently purchased a printer and we talked about why we wanted it and what we wanted it to do and what we wanted to spend and what options were available and then he suggested one and I said, "let's do it". Smooth and easy and that is the norm.
Anonymous also said I need to figure out if we can ever find the "spark". I guess that is the question, isn't it? Obviously the spark just ain't there or else the problem wouldn't be there. I don't know if that spark will ever be there, but I think that even if I don't have the full on passion that I want we can still have a fulfilling life as long as we can have a good, if less passionate, sex life. This is what I'm doing here. This is my goal - finding the spark or the whatever you want to call it to make our sex life one that will fulfill both of us and we'll both be happy with. I realize that I likely am never going to have the up against the wall screaming wild sex that I fantasize about, but I'm okay with that if we find the happy medium. I think.
Omar, we live in Southern California and apparently there is some sort of rule that says people must only fall in love with a partner of the opposite libido. Sorry! Mysterious guys? I think you have that backwards. Men like mysterious women... although, I think that is just an excuse to not have to get to know them. Women? We want to know EVERYTHING... I mean EVERYTHING. Really. No, I don't have any desire for mystery, thanks very much! I think Digger hit on this. Women want to know and be known. Hm.
Tina. Thanks for all of your support and advice! Do I wish he would initiate sex more. Oh yeah. One problem is that due to being "rejected" so many times I started shying away from initiating sex which probably keeps us from having sex even MORE often. I find myself afraid to initiate or even shy when I do and not able to be my previously sexy self when I do make the effort. These things surely have slowed things down. If he initiated a little more often it might bring my confidence levels back up. This conversation really makes me think about what I just wrote, though. You know they say if you're sad to smile and sometimes it helps brighten your mood jsut to pretend. Maybe I should pretend to be the old me and start doing a little more initiating rather than sitting around sad that he isn't. Thanks for the prod!
Kay and Tajalude, you guys are awesome. Encouragement seems to be making a difference. You know, it's been 9 nights since the last time, but I'm feeling less stress. I think in part it's from this blog. I feel like I have an avenue to let out the frustrations rather than hold them in to keep the peace. I'm on day two of the kinder, gentler Married Girl. I've been happy and fun and pleasant. I have not brought up sex or problems and even reacted to a household problem that normally would have pissed me off (okay, I am bummed, but what would be the point of stressing over something that can't be fixed) by saying, "Babe, don't you always say not to sweat the small stuff? Well, in the grand scheme of things this is pretty small, so lets not freak out and move on." I have a plan, folks. There's no guarantee and I dunno if I can keep it up. But, right now, I am being semi-perfect wife in the hopes that the pleasures of being around someone as sweet and fun as me will TURN THIS GUY ON DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Married Girl at 9:40 AM
2 Comments:
I'm not too sure if only "settling" for some of the sex you want will be enough. I thought that very thing and thinking it would pacify me made it even clearer, I shouldn't have to settle for "in between". You deserve up against the wall screaming wild sex! Keep at 'em!!
you said "One problem is that due to being "rejected" so many times I started shying away from initiating sex which probably keeps us from having sex even MORE often."
Amen, sister. This ties in with my previous comment about the idea that holding out will make your parter want you more. Holding out and not initiating are just two ways to make your sex life even more unfulfilling.
Methinks I should read what I said about failing to initiate a few more times. It might help.
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